emyang.tumblr.com
:]
Monday, May 4, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
All of Me- Tim Be Told
ALL OF ME
Words and Music by Tim Ouyang
I am reckless with my soul
broken and defeated by the things I can’t control
I have given up so many things for a hope when I die
that these heaven seeking promises weren’t lies
O God of mercy you have told me I could put it in your hands
do you really think I can?
Chorus
And if I had everything I want, would I keep falling down?
would I keep falling down?
so here I am learning to cast aside all of my desires
all of my desires
I am restless in my soul
stealing their affections trying to fill an endless hole
I have cried alone so many times
cause I can’t feel your love
I remember when you used to be enough
O God of mercy so they tell me I can put it in your hands
do you really think I can?
so are you even real
or am I afraid to feel?
scared of what I’ll find
that when I cried to you, called it true
in the end will it be that I wasted all my time?
but with all these doubts I’m offering to leave it all behind
so beautiful :]
Monday, April 27, 2009
Homesick
After doing some research--- (or maybe just wikipedia) Berkeley is one of the top three most liberal cities in the US. There's a culture here that goes back decades. This city is where students first learned to voice their rebellious spirits against an oppressive society, home of the free speech movement, of labor reforms, of political activism in ionno how many different areas. I still can't believe I chose Berkeley, after a whole year of being here. I still can't believe that, being who I am and having grown up in the way that I did, that I would end up here. Cuz to be honest, when I compare Berkeley and PV, I can't think of any two cities that are any more different. Compare Berkeley with Palos Verdes-- rich city of lawyers, doctors, and businessmen by the beautiful Pacific Coastline, conservative in every way.
It's so crazy the amount of culture shock that I face whenever I fly home or fly back to Berkeley after a long vacation. People in Berkeley are SO different from people back at home, the weather is different, the
A lot of times, I find myself judging people in one city or the other city, comparing people in PV to people in Berkeley or vice versa. I yearn so much to see the spiritual accountability, the passion that I could see so transparently in people back at home here in Berkeley, and I am easily disappointed when I don't see it immediately. But God is faithful, and He is the same here and in PV. Just the other day, I was reading the story of Jesus's healing of the centurion's servant in Matthew 8. The centurion, having waited probably hours to see Jesus, considered his troubles unworthy of Jesus's time, and believed that Jesus could heal his servant with a simple word. Jesus, seeing the centurion's great faith, said to him, "Go! It will be done just as you believed it would." Man, if I could only have faith like that of the centurion that God would work miracles in Berkeley. I was so humbled by my lack of faith, and assured that God will work wonders in Berkeley if I believe it with all my heart-- that He doesn't need me to fight for Him, but that if I am faithful, He will fight for me.
Three more weeks of my freshman year of college. How crazy is that..
and despite how much I may be sick of being here, and wanting to retreat until I can go home, I need to ask God to give me His heart for this place. I need to be able to see how much His heart breaks for the people here, and trust that all that He has called me to do He has equipped me to do.
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Romans 8:26
:)
It's so crazy the amount of culture shock that I face whenever I fly home or fly back to Berkeley after a long vacation. People in Berkeley are SO different from people back at home, the weather is different, the
A lot of times, I find myself judging people in one city or the other city, comparing people in PV to people in Berkeley or vice versa. I yearn so much to see the spiritual accountability, the passion that I could see so transparently in people back at home here in Berkeley, and I am easily disappointed when I don't see it immediately. But God is faithful, and He is the same here and in PV. Just the other day, I was reading the story of Jesus's healing of the centurion's servant in Matthew 8. The centurion, having waited probably hours to see Jesus, considered his troubles unworthy of Jesus's time, and believed that Jesus could heal his servant with a simple word. Jesus, seeing the centurion's great faith, said to him, "Go! It will be done just as you believed it would." Man, if I could only have faith like that of the centurion that God would work miracles in Berkeley. I was so humbled by my lack of faith, and assured that God will work wonders in Berkeley if I believe it with all my heart-- that He doesn't need me to fight for Him, but that if I am faithful, He will fight for me.
Three more weeks of my freshman year of college. How crazy is that..
and despite how much I may be sick of being here, and wanting to retreat until I can go home, I need to ask God to give me His heart for this place. I need to be able to see how much His heart breaks for the people here, and trust that all that He has called me to do He has equipped me to do.
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Romans 8:26
:)
Friday, April 24, 2009
The Lord's Clinic
usually, i'm not a big fan of email chains, but this one blew me away. it was a series of slides, but i'll put it in words here:
I went to the Lord’s Clinic to have my routine check-up and it confirmed I was ill:
When Jesus took my blood pressure, He saw I was low in tenderness.
When he read my temperature, the thermometer registered 40º of anxiety
He ran an electrocardiogram and found that I needed several “love bypasses” since my
arteries were blocked with loneliness and could not provide for an empty heart.
I went to orthopedics, because I could not walk by my brother’s side and I could not
hug my friends, since I had fractured myself when tripping with envy.
He also found I was shortsighted, since I could not see beyond the shortcomings
of my brothers and sisters.
When I complained about deafness, the diagnosis was that I had stopped listening to
Jesus’ voice talking to me on a daily basis.
For all of that, Jesus gave me a free consultation thanks to his mercifulness,
so my pledge is to, once I leave this clinic, only take the natural remedies he
prescribed through his words of truth:
Every morning, take a full glass of gratitude
When getting to work, take one spoon of peace
Every hour, take one pill of patience, one cup of
brotherhood and one glass of humility
When getting home, take one dose of love
When getting to bed, Take two caplets of clear conscience
Do not give in into sadness or desperation for
what you are going through today.
God knows how you feel......
God knows exactly and with perfection what is
being allowed to happen to you in your life at this
precise moment.
God’s purpose for you is simply perfect.
He wants to show you things that only you can understand
by living what you are living, and by being in the place you
are now.
Amen. :)
I went to the Lord’s Clinic to have my routine check-up and it confirmed I was ill:
When Jesus took my blood pressure, He saw I was low in tenderness.
When he read my temperature, the thermometer registered 40º of anxiety
He ran an electrocardiogram and found that I needed several “love bypasses” since my
arteries were blocked with loneliness and could not provide for an empty heart.
I went to orthopedics, because I could not walk by my brother’s side and I could not
hug my friends, since I had fractured myself when tripping with envy.
He also found I was shortsighted, since I could not see beyond the shortcomings
of my brothers and sisters.
When I complained about deafness, the diagnosis was that I had stopped listening to
Jesus’ voice talking to me on a daily basis.
For all of that, Jesus gave me a free consultation thanks to his mercifulness,
so my pledge is to, once I leave this clinic, only take the natural remedies he
prescribed through his words of truth:
Every morning, take a full glass of gratitude
When getting to work, take one spoon of peace
Every hour, take one pill of patience, one cup of
brotherhood and one glass of humility
When getting home, take one dose of love
When getting to bed, Take two caplets of clear conscience
Do not give in into sadness or desperation for
what you are going through today.
God knows how you feel......
God knows exactly and with perfection what is
being allowed to happen to you in your life at this
precise moment.
God’s purpose for you is simply perfect.
He wants to show you things that only you can understand
by living what you are living, and by being in the place you
are now.
Amen. :)
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Nicaragua Missions!- Spring Break 2009
Hey everyone :)
Thanks for praying for me during the trip! Through your prayers, God moved hearts and changed lives over this past spring break. And as J.O. Fraser said, "Solid, lasting missionary work is done on our knees." Here are a couple highlights:
1. God's amazing miracles and healing. The people in Nicaragua, specifically the community we went to in the slums--Cristo Rey, are weak, both spiritually and physically. During the trip, we experienced God's power to heal his people who cry out to Him. These are just few of many stories:
One of our team members, Danielle, who goes to Berkeley school of Optometry set up an eye clinic in Cristo Rey and brought 300 glasses to hand out-- one sick girl waited in line for 3 hours for a pair of glasses, but when her turn came up, she couldn't even open her eyes because of her worsening fever. her head was burning and all Danielle could do was pray for her and give her some Gatorade. Later that day we saw her again and she looked 100% better, her fever had passed. PTL.
When we first arrived in Cristo Rey, a mother brought up her son, who had an infection on his check that had grown and consumed almost half of his face. Our Pastor saw the great pain that her son was in, laid his hands on him, and prayed for him. Later that week, when we were doing house visitations, we visited the house of that woman and her son, and when we saw her son we could not even recognize him because his face had completely healed. You couldn't even tell that there had been an infection there! PTL.
Not only did God heal physically, but spiritually. One of our visitation teams visited a woman named Pastora, ironically female pastor in Spanish. She opened up, sharing about how she had commited adultery in her marriage, and that she was ashamed to turn back to God. One of our teammates prayed with her in these words: "God, I was lost and you found me, and then I was lost again and you found me." She broke down and rededicated her life to Christ, and wanted us to pray for her friend who was struggling with something, but we encouraged her to be the one who goes into her community to pray and reach out to others, just has her name implies. PTL.
2. Amazing Revival Nights. Our Pastors: Pastor James and Pastor Tom gave sermons on three nights in which we had revivals. I remember one specific sermon that Pastor James gave on the Beatitudes: Matthew 5. He emphasized the verse "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." He preached that there is a poverty that goes deeper than the physical-- poverty in the spirit. and that no matter how much we chase the thigns of this world to fill that poverty, that poverty cannot be overcome. We need God to transform our lives. After the sermon, we laid our hands over the people of Cristo Rey, prayed with them, hugged them, cried with them, saw many accept Christ, and many lives changed. God is so craazy :)
3. Team Unity. God totally granted us team unity. We were a team of 20, spending 24 hours of everyday together for 7 days-- and God helped us to love one another, to accept one other as we are, to encourage each other in ministry, to share our "thorns" with one another, and to enjoy each other's fellowship. I feel like we really strove for what Paul describes in Ephesians 4:2-6, a verse that June suggested after we got back to Berkeley:
"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all."
3. My own struggles. I learned a lot about what this trip meant for my life AFTER the trip actually. I realize that during mission trips is when I really realize where I am in my walk with God. Especially during this missions trip, because I'm at a new church where I dont have super close friends going on the missions trip with me, I dont have the choice of doing what I want to during the day, and I dont even have the luxury of thinking about my problems during the day because our mission and focus is on the people THERE, not on ourselves or even our fellow teammates. So during this missions trip, I really realized how much faith and love I lacked, when I couldn't put aside everything else that cluttered my mind, thoughts about our scheduling, my teammates, and about things going on at home. I wanted to devote all my heart to Nicaragua and serve God but I couldn't, and I realized it was because my heart wasn't completely God's.
I went to Nicaragua wanted to serve God selflessly, wanting to pour out to others because of how much God has shown me and poured into me during first semester, only to find that I could only serve God selfishly, and that somewhere between first semester and Nicaragua, I had betrayed my first love in pursuit of the things of this world--friendship, approval of others, academics. God said, "Come back to me, for in me you will find peace and rest, and you will not grow restless chasing after the things of this world".
Coming back to Berkeley, I decided to tear down walls that I have built up around myself starting college, walls that I build to please people, to be accepted, to prevent myself from being hurt or betrayed. I want to be transparent and broken, so that others can see God's work in my life, and that God can receive the glory. And even within this past week, it's been a struggle, but sooo amazing because God has already opened doors for me to share and be transparent with people. God has reminded me of the incredible need for His healing in Berkeley that I had become so numb to during the past few monthes, and has begun to break my heart for the people around me again. siiigh. He is sooo good, and i'm more amazed at how crazy God works everytime I reflect on it :).
Thanks for praying for me during the trip! Through your prayers, God moved hearts and changed lives over this past spring break. And as J.O. Fraser said, "Solid, lasting missionary work is done on our knees." Here are a couple highlights:
1. God's amazing miracles and healing. The people in Nicaragua, specifically the community we went to in the slums--Cristo Rey, are weak, both spiritually and physically. During the trip, we experienced God's power to heal his people who cry out to Him. These are just few of many stories:
One of our team members, Danielle, who goes to Berkeley school of Optometry set up an eye clinic in Cristo Rey and brought 300 glasses to hand out-- one sick girl waited in line for 3 hours for a pair of glasses, but when her turn came up, she couldn't even open her eyes because of her worsening fever. her head was burning and all Danielle could do was pray for her and give her some Gatorade. Later that day we saw her again and she looked 100% better, her fever had passed. PTL.
When we first arrived in Cristo Rey, a mother brought up her son, who had an infection on his check that had grown and consumed almost half of his face. Our Pastor saw the great pain that her son was in, laid his hands on him, and prayed for him. Later that week, when we were doing house visitations, we visited the house of that woman and her son, and when we saw her son we could not even recognize him because his face had completely healed. You couldn't even tell that there had been an infection there! PTL.
Not only did God heal physically, but spiritually. One of our visitation teams visited a woman named Pastora, ironically female pastor in Spanish. She opened up, sharing about how she had commited adultery in her marriage, and that she was ashamed to turn back to God. One of our teammates prayed with her in these words: "God, I was lost and you found me, and then I was lost again and you found me." She broke down and rededicated her life to Christ, and wanted us to pray for her friend who was struggling with something, but we encouraged her to be the one who goes into her community to pray and reach out to others, just has her name implies. PTL.
2. Amazing Revival Nights. Our Pastors: Pastor James and Pastor Tom gave sermons on three nights in which we had revivals. I remember one specific sermon that Pastor James gave on the Beatitudes: Matthew 5. He emphasized the verse "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." He preached that there is a poverty that goes deeper than the physical-- poverty in the spirit. and that no matter how much we chase the thigns of this world to fill that poverty, that poverty cannot be overcome. We need God to transform our lives. After the sermon, we laid our hands over the people of Cristo Rey, prayed with them, hugged them, cried with them, saw many accept Christ, and many lives changed. God is so craazy :)
3. Team Unity. God totally granted us team unity. We were a team of 20, spending 24 hours of everyday together for 7 days-- and God helped us to love one another, to accept one other as we are, to encourage each other in ministry, to share our "thorns" with one another, and to enjoy each other's fellowship. I feel like we really strove for what Paul describes in Ephesians 4:2-6, a verse that June suggested after we got back to Berkeley:
"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all."
3. My own struggles. I learned a lot about what this trip meant for my life AFTER the trip actually. I realize that during mission trips is when I really realize where I am in my walk with God. Especially during this missions trip, because I'm at a new church where I dont have super close friends going on the missions trip with me, I dont have the choice of doing what I want to during the day, and I dont even have the luxury of thinking about my problems during the day because our mission and focus is on the people THERE, not on ourselves or even our fellow teammates. So during this missions trip, I really realized how much faith and love I lacked, when I couldn't put aside everything else that cluttered my mind, thoughts about our scheduling, my teammates, and about things going on at home. I wanted to devote all my heart to Nicaragua and serve God but I couldn't, and I realized it was because my heart wasn't completely God's.
I went to Nicaragua wanted to serve God selflessly, wanting to pour out to others because of how much God has shown me and poured into me during first semester, only to find that I could only serve God selfishly, and that somewhere between first semester and Nicaragua, I had betrayed my first love in pursuit of the things of this world--friendship, approval of others, academics. God said, "Come back to me, for in me you will find peace and rest, and you will not grow restless chasing after the things of this world".
Coming back to Berkeley, I decided to tear down walls that I have built up around myself starting college, walls that I build to please people, to be accepted, to prevent myself from being hurt or betrayed. I want to be transparent and broken, so that others can see God's work in my life, and that God can receive the glory. And even within this past week, it's been a struggle, but sooo amazing because God has already opened doors for me to share and be transparent with people. God has reminded me of the incredible need for His healing in Berkeley that I had become so numb to during the past few monthes, and has begun to break my heart for the people around me again. siiigh. He is sooo good, and i'm more amazed at how crazy God works everytime I reflect on it :).
Friday, March 6, 2009
This song is so beautiful:
Sólo Cristo//Hillsong
En reposo, en silencio sé que tú eres Señor.
Al estar en tu presencia sé que hay restauración.
Al oír tu dulce voz, te seguiré mi rey, mi Dios.
No hay nadie como tú, sólo Cristo.
Moriste por mí en la cruz, viviré para alabar.
En el caos, en tormenta sé que
sigues siendo Dios
cuando siento que soy débil me das
la gracia para seguir.
Al oír tu dulce voz, cantaré esta canción.
Mi deleite está en ti,
Mi corazón, toda mi fe
Mi deleite está en ti, por siempre.
Sólo Cristo//Hillsong
En reposo, en silencio sé que tú eres Señor.
Al estar en tu presencia sé que hay restauración.
Al oír tu dulce voz, te seguiré mi rey, mi Dios.
No hay nadie como tú, sólo Cristo.
Moriste por mí en la cruz, viviré para alabar.
En el caos, en tormenta sé que
sigues siendo Dios
cuando siento que soy débil me das
la gracia para seguir.
Al oír tu dulce voz, cantaré esta canción.
Mi deleite está en ti,
Mi corazón, toda mi fe
Mi deleite está en ti, por siempre.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
crazy
something totally cool happened to me today. I've been sending out support letters for a missions trip that I'm going on this spring break to Nicaragua with Living Water Church, and one of the guys from my church responded to me, saying that he wanted to contribute but he wanted to know a couple things before. He proceeded to ask me a series of questions, like why I was going, how many people were going, what the safety precautions were, and what are itinery was for the trip. Then he shared with me a story of how two friend's of his friend went on a missions trip to Africa one year, to educate people about AIDS. The communities in Africa believe that in order to cure oneself of AIDS you have to sleep with a virgin. So a result of their efforts to serve God, the two girls were raped. My friend asked me to respond to this story, and asked me why God would allow somethign like this to happen. At first, I was a little bit offended, I felt like someone was questioning my intentions for going to Nicaragua, and all the questions he asked me were a little overwhelming, and forced me to go to a place that I did not think necessary. But after I couple days, I responded to his message, answering each question, expecting him to respond with "good job, i think you're ready to go on this missions trip", or something like that. Wow, I can only now realize how prideful I am, and how much I need God's grace.
He responded the same day (today) that I replied to his email, explaining to me that he wasn't a Christian, but that coming to church and talking to people in the church had attracted him to Christianity. That he continues to go to church because of the genuinity (?) of the people, which he is not used to being in the business world. He said that he was encouraged by my email, which he did not expect to be so thorough a response, and that it was people like me that kept him attracted to church. Maaan, God totally blew me away/convicted me of my pride, of how inadequate I am to be used by him, that I coudln't even overcome my judgements of other people and I was so easily overcome by occusations of other people when they made me feel uncomfortable. God showed me that even though I am SO unworthy to be used by Him, He is STILL able to use me, just as He did in that email. God's grace is seriously so amazing, I can't explain how many times I betray Him, but He still is so good to me. I love you, Daddy.
He responded the same day (today) that I replied to his email, explaining to me that he wasn't a Christian, but that coming to church and talking to people in the church had attracted him to Christianity. That he continues to go to church because of the genuinity (?) of the people, which he is not used to being in the business world. He said that he was encouraged by my email, which he did not expect to be so thorough a response, and that it was people like me that kept him attracted to church. Maaan, God totally blew me away/convicted me of my pride, of how inadequate I am to be used by him, that I coudln't even overcome my judgements of other people and I was so easily overcome by occusations of other people when they made me feel uncomfortable. God showed me that even though I am SO unworthy to be used by Him, He is STILL able to use me, just as He did in that email. God's grace is seriously so amazing, I can't explain how many times I betray Him, but He still is so good to me. I love you, Daddy.
Amazing Grace
I was reading some gchat conversations that I had with some friends about a year ago from now, and wow, it amazes me how far God has brought me within this past year, how much healing he has brought me. I was talking to Debra today about our struggles. Last year, for me especially, I struggled a lot with depression, resulting from a lot of drama going on during senior year, but also as a result of my expectations of people that could not be fulfilled. I've since realized how often I am disappointed when I rely on others to help me through things, when I am "needy" towards other people and when I turn to others in my brokenness. People are always changing, and not many of us are blessed with the ability to care deeply and understand thoroughly the needs and struggles of other people. One thing that I have learned is the importance of turning to God as my healer, my refuge in times of struggle and trial, that when He has given me peace in my heart and assurance of my identity in Him, I am never disappointed when I receive encouragement from a friend afterwards. God is soo faithful, he is so faithful to heal.
With patience and the will to think of only what is edifying to us spiritually, God can teach us how to be faithful. Psalm 37:3 says "Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness".
One thing that my youth pastor told me about the healing process: We often desire for God to heal is immediately. We say, daddy, please heal me now, I just want to feel better. But God needs time, and as we are impatient, we dig ourselves deeper into our sin, making it harder for God to heal our wounds. let's perservere in this race.
Currently listening: India Arie- Testimony Volume 2: Love and Politics :)
With patience and the will to think of only what is edifying to us spiritually, God can teach us how to be faithful. Psalm 37:3 says "Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness".
One thing that my youth pastor told me about the healing process: We often desire for God to heal is immediately. We say, daddy, please heal me now, I just want to feel better. But God needs time, and as we are impatient, we dig ourselves deeper into our sin, making it harder for God to heal our wounds. let's perservere in this race.
Currently listening: India Arie- Testimony Volume 2: Love and Politics :)
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
What sets a Christian apart from others?
I asked myself today why Christians don't necessarily stand out among nonChristians in their acts of kindness and love towards others. Among our non Christian friends who are themselves good people, nonChristians are easily seen as much more sacrificial and loving towards others than us as Christians. In addition, the nonChristian's motivation for doing good works is stronger. Their desire for reassurance of self worth and reputation is much more powerful than a Christian's desire to glorify God. And while as Christians, we must step aside and examine ourmotives for doing good deeds to prevent ourselves from selfishly flaunting ourselves, non Christians don't really have a need for self examination to delay their good works.
So what makes a Christian stand out in today's society if its not good works overflowing from our sanctification and justification in Christ?
I think from just some thought and speculation, because I'm of course flawed in my thinking as well, it is the harder choices that Christians make that set us apart from others. All the times that we say "no" when it costs us, and the times that we sit out because we don't want to compromise our faith, the times when we choose God for friends, grades, and even family... those are the moments that set us apart from the world. And I guess realizing this, I'm more motivated to value the moments when I am given a choice to choose between God and the world, because I konw that I cannot simply be a Christian by doing good things, but that the world can only see how much I love God by what I am willing to give up for His kingdom.
So what makes a Christian stand out in today's society if its not good works overflowing from our sanctification and justification in Christ?
I think from just some thought and speculation, because I'm of course flawed in my thinking as well, it is the harder choices that Christians make that set us apart from others. All the times that we say "no" when it costs us, and the times that we sit out because we don't want to compromise our faith, the times when we choose God for friends, grades, and even family... those are the moments that set us apart from the world. And I guess realizing this, I'm more motivated to value the moments when I am given a choice to choose between God and the world, because I konw that I cannot simply be a Christian by doing good things, but that the world can only see how much I love God by what I am willing to give up for His kingdom.
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